Thank You for Sharing09.20.2008
Fellow citizens and countrymen, I feel like I’ve had bounteous opportunities to express my gratitude for your zeal for sharing, but never so much as now. Please, allow me.
Thank you. Thank you for ignoring evacuation notices so the coast guard can come rescue you at 100x the cost just a few days later. Thank you for living below sea level where hurricanes rip through several times in a decade. Thank you for coming back after each one, rebuilding, and pretending it won’t happen again in the next few years. I can’t express enough how I love paying for levies and FEMA trailers. We just don’t have enough open land in this great country of ours–what better way to make use of our scarcities than to create artificial ground!
Thank you for purchasing homes and cars that far exceed your income. Thank you for simultaneously opening multiple credit card accounts and filling them to the brim with the latest designer fashions. Thank you for racking up bills into the hundreds of dollars for your ten-year-old’s text messages. Thank you for participating in lotteries, gambling, and pyramid schemes. After all that, could you do me a favor and turn around and declare bankruptcy? I just love paying for this stuff! I can’t get enough of it!
Thank you for supporting outlandish proposals your political leadership offers for free. Thank you for supporting socialized education to help narrow down the options of where our children should go to school. Thank you for letting me help pay for your college tuition. There just aren’t enough jobs and low-and-deferred-interest loans out there for you these days. I wouldn’t want you to have to appreciate your education. Thank you for entertaining the idea of free health care so we can all get fatter because we know the remedy comes free. I love trusting politicians with my education and medical problems. I love it when hospitals and schools don’t have to compete for my money. And I absolutely LOVE to pay for your smoking and disease-ridden sexcapades and stand in line while I do so. Seriously, can I get some more? I’m going through withdrawals here.
Oh, and that’s not all. Thank you for letting me help pay for your retirement through social security. I love how we can all share with one another. I likewise appreciate how instead of saving for my own retirement I can offer that role to the government so they can do it for me. There’s just no better investment than government agencies and national debt. Thank you for hooking my salary up to a drip tube straight to D.C. so I don’t have to pay attention to what comes out. Thank you for supporting labor unions and lobbyist groups. I’m just overwhelmed with appreciation when politicians represent them and not me. Can we order up another bridge to Ketchikan please?
Thank you for fighting against nuclear energy and putting our Middle East friends first. I’d hate to take advantage of our technology and I’d much rather launch bombs than drill around some antelope and tundra foliage.
Thank you for crossing the borders and allowing me to host you. Please, feel free not to tell anyone and make yourself at home. This is a no-pay zone for you and if we’re lucky we can keep it that way forever.
Keep it up everyone. Thank you once more for sharing and I, too, will do my best to share for many years to come.