09.20.2008 / Thank You for Sharing
Fellow citizens and countrymen, I feel like I’ve had bounteous opportunities to express my gratitude for your zeal for sharing, but never so much as now. Please, allow me.
Thank you. Thank you for ignoring evacuation notices so the coast guard can come rescue you at 100x the cost just a few days later. Thank you for living below sea level where hurricanes rip through several times in a decade. Thank you for coming back after each one, rebuilding, and pretending it won’t happen again in the next few years. I can’t express enough how I love paying for levies and FEMA trailers. We just don’t have enough open land in this great country of ours–what better way to make use of our scarcities than to create artificial ground!
Thank you for purchasing homes and cars that far exceed your income. Thank you for simultaneously opening multiple credit card accounts and filling them to the brim with the latest designer fashions. Thank you for racking up bills into the hundreds of dollars for your ten-year-old’s text messages. Thank you for participating in lotteries, gambling, and pyramid schemes. After all that, could you do me a favor and turn around and declare bankruptcy? I just love paying for this stuff! I can’t get enough of it!